Pink Heart

Instead of getting a mammogram for the past 2 years and seeing the breast specialist/and get an additional ultrasound, who I saw for 3 years prior to then; in December, I told the prescribing RN at Ocean Mental Health I am too afraid to go to the hospital to get checked out again, now.

The RN told me the 2 masses I’ve had in my breast for five years are probably scar tissue. So I don’t know why I’m afraid I may have breast cancer.

A Million Little Pieces

If a mental health professional WANTED to alleviate 90% of my symptoms, there are likely 50+ people I have seen in less than a year, ALL could do it this very second! I want it to be over already. There’s nothing left and there’s been nothing left for a long time. So just finish the job.

Granted, many healthcare workers only know fragments of what has happened and will happen to me. However, it’s more than I’ve been made aware of. I’m not dwelling on the past any longer. Perhaps if I were I could resolve whatever unresolved trauma I have.


What I’m dwelling on is the recent 3 years of “therapy.” Yeah, seems like the past, but it’s what is effecting my present and future. Until I know what happened to me, I won’t have a future. Currently feels I have no future. Breast cancer, probably. No longer have a family, definitely. Don’t have a chance at happiness, I already knew. I was concerned with how I will ever recover from this.

What should concern me is how I can’t put a stop to everything in my life getting worse! After the last 3 years, my life becoming worse doesn’t seem possible! Unless I developed a new mental illness which requires medical attention for the rest of my life. This is all I’ve been trying to avoid. Losing my mind even more. This paranoia and suspiciousness could be medically induced. Like the disassociation was; I assume it was. If it’s not, I need psychiatric care. Therapy is not an option, my only chance is medication now.

I only want to know when is it over? What else did she plan? Is the finale, her driving over me & becoming a paraplegic, after she anally rapes my dead cat? Maybe if I knew I had any future I could plan for the same, accordingly. If she hadn’t sapped the minimal self confidence I had when I began seeing her, I’d feel capable of dealing with ANYTHING in life! I couldn’t deal with much before meeting her. I cared about my future more, when I never thought about it! Now I know I was better off then, cause I have no future.

I know…

If I can’t find a reason to live now; after all she’s done already. All the lies. I know any future I have will be far worse. What she’s done so far is unimaginable. Or, it would be unimaginable if it weren’t currently happening to me.

I did ask in September 2020 if I should stop taking Vyvanse. If it was what had been causing my issues, my psychiatrist (who completely abandoned me days later), would’ve told me to stop taking it. Instead she prescribed Abilify and never returned my phone calls when I left a message requesting something for the restless legs, side effect.

I know if I needed Perphenazine (I requested it in November 2020), my case manager would have allowed me to see my prescriber (who I met once), instead of telling me to continue taking the stimulants as prescribed.
If prescribed stimulant medication was the cause of this psychotic break, someone would’ve stopped prescribing it to me! If it were the cause, I wouldn’t be having the same psychotic break, 6+ months later!


But the cause of my psychotic break was my therapist ensuring I have a psychotic break. Discovering my psychiatrist prescribed me Vyvanse AND Adderal 3 months in advance was disturbing. Discovering I lost my entire life and future, due to a vindictive & judgmental therapist was more disturbing.

Getting set up with a crisis intervention program who has a full voice mail so you can’t leave messages and who doesn’t call weekly like they’re supposed to; proves there’s no mental healthcare for me ever again.

And I’ve needed mental health care for months. Needed it more than I can ever recall NEEDING it. Ocean Mental Health seemed fine with me stating I wouldn’t be able to trust any therapists for a decade. When I said it, I wasn’t as aware as I am now. Now I know there’s no decade wait. I can never trust a therapist again!

Also, I can’t even get a mammogram to check the 2 masses in my breast. It’s been 2 years now. They were being closely monitored for 3 years before this happened. There’s no way to get a biopsy. I’m waiting around for Stage 4 breast cancer, once I have absolutely NO choice but to enter a hospital again.

Getting turned away from a hospital on October 16, 2020, while suffering Stage 3 hypertension didn’t leave me with any hope to visit the ER when it happened again a few days later! Surprisingly, no bill for that particular hospital visit. When they allowed me to leave with shortness of breath, still wearing the blood pressure arm band, to drive myself home!

My Best Friend

My best friend was dragged into my “clinical chaos therapy.” They actually denied her helpful therapy as part of my treatment! I know it seems paranoid (look up Social Work-Chaos Theory) and my friend is the first person to politely put a stop to any of my paranoid thinking. I sent her to the mental health facility I had been attending. Later on when I discovered what was going on (I don’t fully understand, even now), I explained to my friend why her own therapist a year earlier, didn’t help her. She never got into the subject with me when it happened. Mentioned she didn’t like her therapist and she quit. I never pressed the issue with her, though it is unusual she wouldn’t get along with someone.

After I explained my theory (Chaos Theory), my friend didn’t get into the details of her prior therapeutic relationship. She surely knows it would make me more paranoid. However, I think she realized there’s an element of truth to all of this “paranoia,” I’m experiencing. I told her she could’ve had a good therapist to actually help her if it hadn’t been for me! She doesn’t blame me and never has. She hates I blame myself for what happened to her. I know she’ll never tell me the details of her own experience cause it will contribute to my paranoia. I’m sure it wasn’t quite as bad as what Elizabeth did to me. It’s the point, Elizabeth arranged messing with a total stranger in need, to get to me! What kind of social worker does this? And so many more “professionals,” have no issues with it happening!

My friend believes me! She offered to join a support group with me for MY mental illness and help support ME! She treats me like she treats anyone in her life and didn’t deserve to be denied therapy. No one does! It’s SICK and cruel. I’m too paranoid to join a support group and talk about myself anymore, anyway. But knowing she’s willing and wants to help me has kept me alive. Knowing someone doesn’t want me to kill myself, even if it’s not my former therapist and psychiatrist. I seriously doubt I’d be writing this if she wasn’t my best friend. I promised her I wouldn’t hurt myself while I was living with her. I kept my promise, but then I moved out. I feel like I’m staying alive for her most days. She deserves any strength I can muster. I just hope it is enough!

All I wanted…

I only wanted help. Now I’m too terrified to talk to anyone. She will twist my words and lie to anyone about me! She lied to the government about my mental health. There’s no telling how far she will go to prevent me from seeking help. I’m afraid to call a crisis or suicide hotline. She already told people I’m suicidal and aggressive when I wasn’t! I was hospitalized overnight for anxiety, it was written up as a “serious life threatening” stay. Now I need to talk to someone, but if I talk to anyone, it’ll make all the lies she’s been spreading, true! I can’t even talk to my friends on my phone. There’s no one now. She took everyone. What kind of social worker does this?

CAUTION

My “therapist” gave me the “Adult Attachment Interview,” to show me I had early childhood/developmental trauma. Then she erased the PTSD diagnosis I already had, which I assume is now, C-PTSD. Elizabeth sent me to an affiliated therapy program where I was not assigned to either of the PTSD therapy groups (cause she erased the diagnosis). Now, thanks to her, I’m aware I have unresolved trauma and there is no longer help available to me for it! I tried calling a private therapist immediately after quitting therapy with her, back in October 2020. The therapist and I arranged a payment amount which I planned to pay for out-of-network. We spoke on the phone and planned how we would do therapy online, due to Covid. However, the therapist never called me back after I called to set up my first appointment.

Next I tried an online therapist which I paid for, out-of-network. I requested some DBT exercises since this therapy worked well for me in the past. I attempted the first exercise suggested to me and I disassociated during the 10 minute practice. The therapist said DBT will not work for me as long as I have unresolved trauma. She wanted to know what I was thinking of during the DBT exercise. Since spilling my trauma history in sessions with a therapist while I THOUGHT what was said was kept confidential, I’m too paranoid to talk to another therapist. I deleted the online therapy app as soon as I realized I had disassociated (2-3 days after joining); the following morning when I reread what I had written.

Elizabeth traumatized me with this too, putting words in my mouth while I was not conscious. Not informing me I had disassociated during one particular session of the interview. Talking nonstop about disassociation throughout our entire therapeutic relationship. She wouldn’t shut up about it! I don’t know if she caused me to disassociate out of fear. I only want to heal from the torture therapy she gave me!

Now I’m stuck in ‘Trauma-Limbo’ for the rest of my life. Thinking nonstop about how to heal from a former therapist and her “therapy,” all day, everyday. I wouldn’t know how to address or deal with unresolved trauma, I assume the point of an Attachment Interview is to recognize it or do something about it. I only took the interview cause Elizabeth said I could be happy after I finished. Well, I gave up waiting for this to happen. More lies out of her mouth. If I knew how to deal with the trauma, it wouldn’t be unresolved!

Protean: Daily Word Prompt

When I began attending an Intensive Outpatient Program, I wasn’t fully aware of the legacy my former therapist left me. Unknown to me at the time, the staff at this program was affiliated with my former mental health facility. They had no intention of helping me through the damage Elizabeth caused.

It was obvious through all my interactions with multiple staff members there was no longer any hope for me. I guess I met Proteus in a sense. She shared the same agenda as the facility she worked for, and my former facility. However, she wore a mask well. Disguised her ulterior motives to gain my trust. I should’ve known after the last therapist not to talk to anyone. Certainly not to discuss mental health issues with these people. Her act was good and I opened up even more than I had before.

I figured if EVERY therapist I spoke to in my entire life had been helpful in some way, my former therapist’s destruction of every element in my life was a fluke. These people HAD to be there to help me, it’s their job to!

Sadly, under the facade of an empathetic social worker, was the same damn person. They were all fine with what was done to me. She participated with the same enthusiasm, which resulted in the same crippling anxiety and depression. And she repeated the same cruel “therapy.” Manipulation at its finest. I continue to be disillusioned by the entire medical profession.

https://onedailyprompt.wordpress.com/2021/04/10/your-daily-word-prompt-protean-ydwordprompt-april-10-2021/